A different kind of two week wait...

It's interesting how when you think you are completely in control of your life (or maybe I mean heart...) and the direction it's taking, you find again that somehow you're not.  

I started my last masters placement about a month ago and on the first day working at the hospital my supervisor asked "How's your love life?", and proceeded to set me up on a blind date.  Wow.  This is what I'd imagined during my studies, that when I got out into the 'real world' where the ratio of women to men wasn't 90:10, and I wasn't the oldest person in the room, there'd be abundant opportunities to meet some great guy.  Except at 36 and planning to start TTC as a single woman in under two months it felt like a case of two little too late, and so to be honest I really didn't see the point.  "It's just a date." he said. Nice enough theory. So I went.  

To be honest the poor guy didn't have a hope in hell because in my mind it was going to have to be love at first sight for me to even contemplate starting something.  Well here's the twist that I really really wasn't expecting... no it wasn't love at first sight, it wasn't even maybe I could find a way to love you if I had no sight.  What it was, was this. Straight after the date, and completely by surprise, I was struck by the feeling that if I was going to be with anyone at this point in time, then the only person that I wanted be with was my x.  Groan. Yes I can hear it. I've been groaning too.  

Just when everything was so simple. And I was happy. I am happy. But what if I could be happy with someone else in my life. Someone who I still cared about. Alot. And what if I never told him how I felt.  Or asked him how he felt. I'd be left wondering. I didn't want to be left wondering.  

So I called my him and we met last night.

I told him that I had just two months before I started trying to conceive and that for my own piece of mind I needed to know something before I did.  I told him that this date made me start thinking about him and about us and about whether we'd made the right decision when we'd ended things 3 years ago.  He told me that he'd thought about us alot too, that he couldn't understand why it hadn't worked out either, and he wished that it could have too.  

We talked about how in so many ways we were really good together and how we were both ready to have a family and how we both thought that we'd be great parents together.    

Sounds perfect.  But we also talked really honestly about what hadn't worked.  And I guess this is where all our fears about going there again lie. He's never been in love with any woman ever  - including me. And this 'issue' of his mirrors mine. I've never felt truly loved by any man ever - including him. And underneath everything this was why I ended our relationship after 18 months.  

So the question we're both left with is this.  If we were to try again are we being grown-ups by doing so - are we challenging the discomfort we both experience being in relationships by choosing to commit to this one and work together to understand and overcome our intimacy issues?  Or are we succumbing to those issues  - choosing a relationship that will never meet his need to fall in love and my need to be loved?  

In other words is this right relationship or should we be waiting for the relationship that feels right? Well I guess I answered that question - rightly or wrongly - when I called him. And I left him with two weeks to do the same.

And so here I am... on a different kind of two week wait. One I wasn't expecting but one that already feels like it's going to be as long and as unsettling as any other.